March 2007 Archives

Rain has started to fall again for the past few days but it's kind enough to stop for my jogging during the evenings. I'm working on running three times a week and currently it's going as planned :)
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I caught a documentary on exorcism last night on Discovery (funny how I blogged about it before too). The host went to a few places where significant exorcisms took place and interviewed some priests, doctors and historians, etc. After the usual re-enactment, voice recordings, ancient scrolls-reading, etc, what struck me most was the notion of the devil being in everyone of us. It could start off as a harmless mischievous thought...then perhaps you start to take pleasure in things like being selfish, greedy, lazy, etc (seven sins?)...soon the voice inside you tells you to do certain things, and later on when you realised it, it may be too late and you're losing control of yourself. You get smaller and smaller...you're losing your own voice...and slowly it takes over your body, heart and finally your soul. Devil at work? Or just human's weakness and bad habits? You decide.
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Just when I thought I couldn't rely on music to get me through rough patches, I listened to LGF's recordings from the last jamming, albeit still a little unrehearsed and quirky sound balance, they bring a smile to my face and make me looking forward to the next session. Music has been...and still is one of the best motivation to me.

Finally, looking back at my last entry now, it's a little embaressing cos I made it sound like 世界末日 (judgement day) when it's just part and parcel of life and going through changes. But then again, those expressed words did reflect what I felt during that time and it was necessary that it gets channeled out and addressed, before I could move on :P

Okie, next up...LGF photoshoot! Followed by the dreaded reservist in 3 weeks' time...and a gig straight after it! And more things to look foward to :)

News reports mumbled on the background. A few minutes later, an unfamiliar pop music in a foreign language interupted the monotonous mumbo-jumbo. The different sounds from the changing of tv channels has become a feeble attempt of self-distraction from the depressing thoughts that have been creeping into my head.

Any momentary's silence or clear-headedness will uncontrollably bring my focus to the sadness that's bellowing inside me. I haven't been in this terrible state for the longest time, and even faint thoughts of it happening again during my most jovial times sent chills to my bones. But it is happening to me now.

I resorted to watching a dvd movie with my bro and cousin just now just to keep my mind occupied. Even as a comedy, it at best, faintly lifted the corners of mouth for a few much-treasured seconds of temporary light moments before being suppressed by the looming melancholy again. It was only 11.30pm when it ended, and still a long way to go before the night ends. I was getting desperate. How did I spend my normal nights? I dare not even resort to listening to anything right now, for I fear to interpret the songs and relate them to my situation. Especially a handful of them I religiously listened to lately. It has become so damn antagonising.

That is certainly not the last of my worries, for that's just a start to the things I must get used to. When you give meaning to their existence and their sole purpose was derived from that single source or reason, you wonder how you'll be able to face and handle them again in a different light without destroying them in the process of changing your mindset. Fight or flight. But where can you flee to when they're everywhere?

The zero-hour of its impact was surprisingly easier to get through. But the subsequent period is where the damage really starts to seep in. That's when you start to feel what hit you, and how badly it has got you. Gosh, I dare not think of what's ahead.

Now it's 1.25am and I've managed to drag writing this entry till this time. I've managed to keep my mind on doing something logical, like correcting my grammar, deciding what words to use, re-reading the passage again and again, etc...all in the name of distraction and passing of time. Soon it'll be lights out when I can finally let the bottled feelings and emotions all gush out. I do hope I'll be able to address these consequences as directly as I could, in terms of tears and puffy eyes...than to lose my mind in these frightening and depressive thoughts through sleeplessness. And one of the worst thing is to let your emotions rule you when you least expected it, and not being able to control it.

I'd need all the help I can get.

Kenna tagged by this self-claimed IN gal -_-;

Instructions: This is what you are supposed to cut and paste if you decide to participate in the tagging game. Each player of this game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog.

Here it goes:

6) I have strong self-discipline when it comes to beverages. I can stick to the same beverage for years if I want to, or can immediately switch my preference for another drink indefinitely.

5) Brushing is something I'd never fail to do before I go to sleep (even if I'm dead tired, etc) cos I have the mentality that my teeth start to rot if I don't brush (even for 1 night) *lol*

4) I wear PJs and tuck my blanket nicely into the sides of my bed every night before turning in (some friends said I'm weird...YOU GUYS KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!).

3) Less than 5 friends (I can only recall one actually) have actually seen me with my glasses on in real life (ever since I had contacts)

2) I still believe that I'm an 18 year old boy trapped in a 28-year old shell.

AND THE NUMBER 1 WEIRDEST THING IS:

1) ...how can such an adorable, cute, talented guy like me never had any girlfriends before??!!

*LOL*

Okay, please clean up your puke now...I was just kidding...

1) According to someone, I top the 'weirdo chart' by owning a pet madagascar roach XD

Alright, since the rest of the LGFers were already tagged to death (and I don't have many friends), I'll just tag Anna bah! (and Kinho's secret blog :P)

有时不安，有时可望，有时为难，有时悲伤
有时灿烂，有时甜蜜，有时感动，有时难忘